My head keeps saying "No"
But my heart keeps giving in

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Layout: vehemency
Icon: reruntherace
Monday, September 27, 2010, 8:27 PM

I'm writing this post when i'm at my weakest.
I guess nobody will ever see this post, but I wished one day you'll see it to know how I felt after the break up.
Or do you even want to know how i fell?

Everytime i think back about the past my tears just couldnt stop flowing.
I asked myself, have I cried so much for a guy.
You were someone who love me so unconditionally and I never want to let you go.
When you left, a part of me died.
My life revolves around you and I was happy the way it is.
I would just reserve my free days just for you.

You said I've to learn it the hard way.
Yes it's true I just dont know why but i never learn my lesson.
I never learn my lesson to cherish the guy and be grateful.
I have to give you space cause I know you're confused.
A part of me hope you'll come running back to me but I know that will never happen.
I know once you've made up your mind its final.
Nothing is gonna change your decision.

I felt that is so unfair that when I asked for a break up, you were dying to have me back.
but when the role is reversed now, i wasnt given any chance.
I thought i could try to make it up to you for nasty things I did in the past.
I really wanted to try to change for you. That was how much i want you back.
But i wasnt given the chance to after knowing how much you meant to me.
You said if i wanted to change i would have done it one year ago.
All i can say is im really sorry and i really regret whatever i did.
I regretted skipping lecture to go over to your place, i regretted going out with him, i regretted not checking the shuttle bus timing even though i just woke up.
Its too late everything is over would be what you gonna tell me.

I wanted to spend Christmas, cny, our second anni, your 22nd birthday and my 21st birthday with you. You know i enjoy celebrating those occasions with people I love.
But i guess I'm gonna celebrate it without you in the picture.

I wonder how are you doing.
I am so tempted to msg you.
But i know i cant.
I have to control myself.
Are you feeling relived that everything its over?
Or are you as hurt as i am?
Do you still love me?
Do you still care about me?
Or have you lost all the feelings for me?
I wished you could give me an answer even though it might break my heart to know.

You thought i was always that stone hearted girl.
All these must have taken you by surprise.
I had probably put up a strong front because i dont want you to see me weak.
It's like a shield for me to protect myself.
You gave up your pride but I kept mine till the very end.
I admit i was very selfish.
I know I've brought so much unhappiness to this r/s.
You gave it your all but i didnt.
Why wouldnt you let me make amends?

Another reason why i wanna hang onto this r/s is because i didnt see a need to break up. we could go into a cooling off period or something.
why do we have to break up?
how can you throw away the 19months we had.
You know how much we went through to sustain through those 19 months?
You have be by my side through year 1 in uni like how i've been by your side through your army days.
My feelings have never swayed and I was never interested in any other guys.
Why did you have to give everything up?
I remember once you said lao......zha bo.
When i thought you were about to say lao...po.
It was candid and it made me smile.

When we patch back for a week I felt so happy to be back by your side.
But it was so short-lived.
I thought by patching up it will make our relationship stronger.
And i thought I can show you how much i wanted to change for your sake.
why k.. why?

I can never be so comfortable with any guy just like how comfortable i'm with you.
I dont want to be in any relationship with any guy cause I you're the one i want to be with.
I afraid one day I might see pictures of you and other girls.
I really hope i wont get to chance upon them while i'm healing.
Cause you know how much it will hurt me seeing you move on.

Will you ever talk to me again?
When will you talk to me again?

There is this quote : Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it.

My heart needs to heel.
I'll back here if my heart can't take it.